Microsoft Acquires France

News Flash: Microsoft has just announced it will acquire the national government of France as a wholly-owned subsidiary.

In a historic move, Microsoft Corporation (NASDAQ: MSFT) has announced that it will take advantage of the recent weakening of the Euro against the dollar to purchase the national government of France. This represents the first time a sovereign nation has been acquired by a corporation. Microsoft's strategic objective in this friendly takeover is to reduce it's own exposure to European anti-trust liability, while increasing the anti-trust scrutiny of Google. The primary benefit to France is anticipated to be free upgrades from Windows Server standard edition to the enterprise edition, free competitive upgrades from Oracle to SQL Server, and a five-year discount on Microsoft Premier and Consulting Services.

President Sarkozy explained in a press conference with Microsoft CEO Steve Ballmer that current French legislators at the national level will become employees of Microsoft and receive a free Windows Phone 7, while retaining their French vacation and retirement benefits. Local elected officials will be unaffected, and citizens of France will reportedly be offered discounts on new purchases of X-Box consoles. The French Foreign Legion will now be known as the Microsoft-French Foreign Legion, and will begin a three-year plan to switch from military activities to I.T. consulting.

Microsoft stock declined slightly on the news, despite record profits in all departments. Wall Street analysts have been cool on the deal, noting that the French divested the last of their colonies several decades ago, dramatically reducing the wholesale value of France. During a question-and-answer session, Ballmer denied that plans had ever existed to offer French colonies their independence in exchange for an agreement to use Windows operating systems exclusively. Vanuatu President Iolu Abil, vacationing in France at the time, said that he had not been approached by Microsoft, but that their island nation was open to being acquired by Microsoft or to hosting a self-contained Data Center.

There was no explanation for recent sightings of French reconnaissance aircraft over Mountain View, California, where Google's headquarters are located, or for a squadron of French Mirage jet fighters with air-to-ground missiles moving their base to an area of a Boeing compound just outside Seattle.

Google executives, ensconced in private meetings with German officials, could not be reached for comment.

Microsoft Acquires Oracle and IBM

News Flash: Microsoft has just announced that it will acquire both Oracle and IBM in the largest merger of technology companies in history.

Oracle products will continue to be supported for at least 5 years, but no new products or features will be developed. Existing customers will be encouraged to begin shifting to SQL Server, SharePoint, and other mainline Microsoft products.

IBM mainframes will now be marketed as Microsoft Frames, running Windows Server Frame Edition. The IBM consulting services division will be merged into Microsoft Services, and those employees will no longer be required to wear ties or attend meetings.

Anti-trust objections from the Justice Department were mooted yesterday by Microsoft's acquisition of the Justice Department's anti-trust division. Anti-trust objections from the European Union were allayed by promising not to install Internet Explorer by default on the Windows Frame edition.

Rules for a Gunfight

I stole this pic from Greg Long:

Free Lunch

It's supposed to be a fundamental principle of economics that there's no such thing as a free lunch.

I beg to differ. While I'm changing employers, folks from my old company are taking me out to lunch to say good-bye, and folks from my new company are taking me out to lunch on my first day to say hello.

So, I've already figured out this scam. All I have to do is change employers every other day, and I'll never have to pay for lunch again!

Obama's International Diplomacy?

Did you hear the latest news about Barack Obama?

On a fact-finding trip to the capital city of Ecuador's Chimborazo Province, Senator Obama encountered a local farmer whipping a cria and he tried to intervene to save the poor beast from its angry master. A crowd gathered, and many took the farmer's side, but some stood with the kindly American politician, while the Senator's escorts called for the local police.

When the farmer refused to relinquish his whip, the good Senator offered to buy the beautiful animal, but the farmer became even less rational and began to fiercely kick the cria. This excited the crowd into a frenzy, and as a riot threatened to ensue, the little animal stumbled, fell, and began bleeding from several lacerations from the farmers' foot.

The police arrived and managed to get the farmer away from the stricken animal and disperse the crowd, but the animal was unable to stand due to its injuries. The police convinced the farmer to sell the cria to Senator Obama rather than be charged with a variety of crimes, whereupon the Senator and his staff rushed the animal to a veterinarian's office.

Despite life-threatening injuries, the little animal did finally recover, and arrangements were made to have the former beast-of-burden taken to the Chicago zoo, where it is professionally cared for and receives loving attention from hundreds of children daily. All-in-all, a happy ending!

And this event is, of course, now known as:

Obama's Riobamba Llama Trauma Drama

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Full Disclosure Update:
No fictional animals were harmed in the fermentation of this story. The imaginary parents of Cortehezala, the pretend baby llama, gave their informed consent, and ethereal emergency personnel were on location if needed. The fake farmer is now serving a 3 year sentence of daily counseling in the Maddenuff Center for Anger Management. The fictitious Mr. Obama became a real person and was elected to the U.S. Senate by the people of the State of Illinois.